


lying in secret to myself

by PacketofRedApples



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Disillusionment, Loneliness, Mr. Robot isn't real, Other, light reference to drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 20:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4363514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PacketofRedApples/pseuds/PacketofRedApples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a clear grasp, a moment of full understanding. Realization hitting him like a ton of bricks, hurting him just as bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lying in secret to myself

**Author's Note:**

> I love suffering and causing suffering :))))  
> Anyways, had this idea since the realization of Mr Robot possibly not being real first struck me in episode one. I kinda didn't want to write it, as I do want to hope he is real (much more fun for me that way), but the evidence built and I couldn't stop thinking about it so here it is.   
> Title from Aurora's "Runaway" 
> 
> [Now this is where a part from Hymn de Lune's "In Your Head" would be but there are no lyrics anywhere and I fear being wrong]
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated as always

There is a clear grasp, a moment of full understanding. Realization hitting him like a ton of bricks, hurting him just as bad. The puzzle pieces fall together far too well, painting a picture that makes him think himself a fool for not realizing this earlier. Fuck—he really was losing it.

Elliot has slipped away, again, this time finding himself deep within a rabbit hole. But he isn’t Alice and this world of disbelief is only a cause for terror in him.

It’s just flickers of consciousness, before he finds himself home, before he starts pacing and before his body starts shaking uncontrollably.  Elliot’s eyes quickly search for Flipper, but soon he remembers that she was with Shayla, so instead he moves to Qwerty whom just continuously floats in circular patterns. This would manage to calm him much more often than not, but now he cannot manage to relax. All the young man does is sit down, trying to hold himself, stop the shaking and force out a steady breath, but it keeps getting caught in his throat and his mind is growing more and more clouded.

There’s so much going through Elliot’s mind he can barely concentrate, paying attention to so many sounds around him—cars outside. He’s sure there’s music somewhere in the apartment block. Yelling; and then he hears footsteps, creaking doors, sounding louder than anything else.

The dark haired man’s breath catches in his throat when there’s a close by raspy voice, the drawl very much familiar to his ears by now.

“Elliot, you can’t just keep leaving suddenly…”

The young hacker raises his eyes to meet the man before him, making it different from all the other times now because he knows that he is not real. Just a figment of his subconscious, a hallucination and nothing else… Just something his mind forced out.

The very thought shakes him more, giving him a gut wrenching feeling. With that in mind Elliot moves further away, corners himself on the couch despite his instinct to flee. To run as far as he can manage, but they say you can’t run away from yourself, not really.

Mr. Robot looks at him with concern, same as during his withdrawal. That comparison doesn’t help the young man, realizing that it too was fake. Knowing he really was left alone. There’s a jarring pain in his throat then, choking him as he tries not to sob, but really he can’t hold it back now. Everything is too convoluted.

There’s a passing thought there, ‘why can’t I just be fucking normal’ or something to that extent and it stiffens him so much then.

He is alone, he is alone, he is alone—he is not alone.

“Hey, kid—come on. I’m here. Calm down, I’m here.” A blurred mess of words for Elliot at the current time. The older hacker must’ve grabbed at him, pulled him closer in some way, but now all he can feel is how cold his hands are on him.  

This can’t be real.

He must be real, he has to be.

Mr. Robot can’t be in his head… that would mean he’s alone. That would mean the chilling touch at his side and shoulder aren’t there, but he can feel them. That’s something he could swear on. Cross his heart and all that other bullshit. The younger hacker really can feel cold hands on himself; something he should know now is a delusion, making him aware enough to know that he shouldn’t question the alternative. It’s not a path he should go down, lest he would want to slip away again.

Elliot tries to close in on himself, pull himself away from the other man who just looks down at him with a face full of pity.

“You—you aren’t really…here… you’re not real.”

 “That’s ridiculous.” A choked laugh from the other, the look of compassion turning darker, a smirk forming on his features. “Seriously, Elliot, I’m here, aren’t I.”

Elliot nods, looking him over, yet the young man is far from calm. He still tries to pull away, yet there is no more space to move, trapping him.  The person in front of him is not real, he could move—but he can’t… his touch feels real… it’s all just a circular motion his mind keeps repeating. “You can, but you can’t”

The doubt of himself makes him twitch once more, eyes welling up slightly.

In that instance, the older man starts cooing him, essentially talking reassuring words as he moves closer, sitting on the couch right next to Elliot who allows it, feeling weak for it. Deprived even, perhaps.

The touches are cold and make him want to draw away, but everything he was saying was kind, even if it didn’t make Elliot lean in... So instead Mr. Robot leans for him, till there’s barely any distance between them. Till Elliot’s mind blurs the lines between reality and what’s in his head and he loses that grip of realization he had, slipping further down. The raspy voice is still quiet, whispering sweet nothings so close that Elliot could feel the alcohol ridden air brush against his face. In that moment Elliot stills, not out of fright, but due to being lulled into a sense of security. The young man might not be shaking, but his breath hitches now as he’s a second away from the inevitable.  The only question remains, does he want it?

“Please.” Somebody says and it’s all the same now, they’re the same. It doesn’t matter who had said it anymore. The request is compiled with and everything fades from there on into pure darkness… It’s preset like this, for now and perhaps until the day either of them dies pulling the other with them.  

Alone, but not alone.

The other will always find their way to make sure Elliot doesn’t know too much, just enough to keep him safe and ignorant. To keep him working towards their goal.

Maybe, Mr. Robot being in his head wouldn’t be for the worst…


End file.
